— Jim Morrison
The first day we moved in to this house a man knocked on our door. I was home alone with just Levi and I was hesitant to open it. When I did, I saw an older gentleman that had pretty obviously had a hard life. At first look, he scared me. He was just thee to let me know that his car was parked in front of our house and it would be moved as soon as a friend could come put a part on it. I smiled and told him it was fine. But when he left, I locked the door.
In the weeks after that, I learned his name. I learned that his adult son and his girlfriend lived with him as well as his grandchildren. I learned that he took care of those grandchildren almost completely. They are 3 and 8. I learned that he was a very kind, sweet man. I learned the biggest reason we shouldn’t pass judgement based on assumptions.
In the past 5 months, I’ve come to love that old man. I love his grandchildren and spend many hours with them on a daily basis. I take him goodies and he gives me money to take all the kids to get fast food for lunch.
12 days ago, that gentleman was found unresponsive in his home. He had suffered from a stroke. He is still in the hospital and has not regained consciousness. He had a living will prepared for himself before this happened and tomorrow his family will gather to say goodbye and remove him from life support. Tonight, his granddaughter is sleeping here with her best friend (my Mesa).
I will miss him.
Insomnia.
My mood is fitting of the weather I see coming on our local radar… cloudy and rainy. Most people have PMS before their cycle, I seem to get mine afterwards. And it usually comes at night. Hmm.
The house is quiet- I can hear the hum of the fan an the sound of my fingers typing on my keyboard but the kids and my beloved are all sound asleep. Even the cats are camped out on the coffee table and couch asleep. I wish I could join them.
This is one of those nights when I just can’t shut my mind off. I keep thinking about babies and my kids and what’s going to happen when Sal’s part-time work is over and he’s still in school. Then I start thinking about our neighborhood and how I dont feel safe here and I wish we could be some place a little safer. I worry that I’m not doing a good job as a mom, that I should control their access to media better than I have, that I should do something differently. Then I go back to babies and it starts all over again.
In daylight, I know that I’m a pretty good mom. I’m human, of course. But I love them with all my heart. I know that we’ll be ok when Sal’s in school full time and not working- I’ll watch another child or work at night, but him getting his degree is way important right now. I also know that when he gets that degree we’ll be able to get out of this neighborhood and it’s not as unsafe as it could be. And babies- well, I know it’s all in God’s hands- as are all of my worries really.
I wonder if insomnia runs in families. I remember my grandmother having it and I’m pretty sure my dad does as well. I hope that none of our kids get it- a sleepwalker is enough!
In the past 2 weeks, 7 people that I know have announced that they’re expecting. I’m trying hard not be, but I’m jealous.
I trust that if the Lord decides we should have another baby, we will be blessed with one, but I still feel that little twang of jealousy when I have my monthly visitor. This month I was late and while I was ok when my cycle showed up, I spent 5 days dreaming of bring another baby into our family.
I know that these pregnancies are planned by God and these babies will be loved beyond belief. I hope that we will someday be joining them again.
Lists make me happy!
Lists have always made me happy and I tend to remember things better if I write it down, too. This is the start of our camping lists for this weekend- one meal planning list, one shopping list, and one packing list.
